Express Difficult Feelings (心靈環保)

"Never pay back evil for evil to anyone. Respect what is right in the sight of all men. If possible, so far as it depends on you, be at peace with all men. Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written,

'Vengeance is mine, I will repay,' says the Lord" (Romans 12:17-19 NASB).

Lord, I give my anger to You. The wisest choice at this time seems to be for me to drop my anger. Help me replace that emotion with one that pleases You. Amen.

(Image from http://www.protectingkidsonlinestore.com.au/shop/index.php?act=viewProd&productId=6) How to Express Difficult Feelings (from http://www.drnadig.com/feelings.htm) Feelings and thoughts are different, but also are one and the same. They are like the head and tail of a coin. We react to events with both thoughts and feelings. Feelings are emotions, and sensations, and they are different from thoughts, beliefs, interpretations, and convictions. When difficult feelings are expressed, the sharp edges are dulled, and it is easier to release or let go of the bad feeling. If we only express our beliefs about the event and not the feelings, the bad feelings linger and are often harder to release.Whenever someone says, "I feel that..." the person is about to express a belief, not a feeling. Guidelines For Expressing Feelings Try to be specific rather than general about how you feel. Consistently using only one or two words to say how you are feeling, such as bad or upset, is too vague and general. What kind of bad or upset? (irritated, mad, anxious, afraid, sad, hurt, lonely, etc.). Specify the degree of the feelings, and you will reduce the chances of being misunderstood. For example, some people may think when you say, "I am angry" means you are extremely angry when you actually mean a "little irritated". When expressing anger or irritation, first describe the specific behavior you don’t like, then your feelings. This helps to prevent the other person from becoming immediately defensive or intimidated when they first hear "I am angry with you", and they could miss the message. If you have mixed feelings, say so, and express each feeling and explain what each feeling is about. For example: "I have mixed feelings about what you just did. I am glad and thankful that you helped me, but I didn’t like the comment about being stupid. It was disrespectful and unnecessary and I found it irritating". Techniques for Expressing Feelings The two following - I feel statements and I messages will help you: Express feelings productively. Respectfully confront someone when you are bothered by his or her behavior. Express difficult feelings without attacking the self-esteem of the person. Clarify for you and the other person precisely what you feel. Prevent feelings from building up and festering into a bigger problem. Communicate difficult feelings in a manner that minimizes the other person’s need to become defensive, and increases the likelihood that the person will listen. When you first start using these techniques they will be cumbersome and awkward to apply, and not very useful if you only know them as techniques. However, if you practice these techniques and turn them into skills, it will be easy for you to express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful. Which of the two methods you use for expressing your feelings should depend on your goal, the importance or difficulty of your feelings and the situation. I feel statements are used in situations that are clear and fairly simple, when you what to express yourself and avoid a buildup of feelings without attacking or hurting the self-esteem of the other. I messages are used in more complex situations to clarify for yourself and the other person just what you are feeling when a) you have difficult negative feelings, b) you confront someone and want them to change their behavior, and c) it is very sensitive and important that the other person accurately understand. I Feel Statements These statements take the form of "When you did that thing I felt this way.That thing is a behavior of the other person, and this way is your specific feelings. Here are some examples: "I felt embarrassed when you told our friends how we are pinching pennies." "I liked it when you helped with the dishes without being asked." "I feel hurt and am disappointed that you forgot our anniversary". I Messages It is called an I message because the focus is on you, and the message is about yourself. This is in contrast to a You message which focuses on and gives a message about the other person. When using I messages you take responsibility for your own feelings, rather than accusing the other person of making you feel a certain way. A You message does not communicate a feeling, but a belief about the other person. The essence of an I message is "I have a problem", while the essence of a You message is "You have a problem". There are four parts to an I message: When ... Describe the person’s behavior you are reacting to in an objective, non-blameful, and non-judgmental manner. The effects are ... Describe the concrete or tangible effects of that behavior. (This is the most important part for the other person to understand - your reaction.) I feel ... Say how you feel. (This is the most important part to prevent a buildup of feelings.) I’d prefer ... Tell the person what you want or what you prefer they do. You can omit this part if it is obvious. The order in which you express these parts is usually not important. Here are some examples: " When you take company time for your personal affairs and then don’t have time to finish the urgent work I give you, I get furious. I want you to finish the company’s work before you work on your personal affairs." "I lose my concentration when you come in to ask a question, and I don’t like it. Please don’t interrupt me when I am working unless it is urgent." "It is very hard for me to keep our place neat and clean when you leave your clothes and other stuff laying around. It creates a lot more work for me and it takes a lot longer, and I get resentful about it. I’d prefer that you put your clothes away and put your trash in the basket." "I resent it when your flirting with the women keeps you from having time for your work, because it means more work for me." Common Mistakes Not expressing a feeling at all, expressing a belief or judgment. Sending a disguised You message. Only expressing negative feelings. The nonverbal body language contradicting the words. For example, smiling when irritated. Practice these techniques and turn them into useful skills. Make it easy for yourself to spontaneously express difficult feelings in a manner that is productive and respectful. Anger Management (BOOK: Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way) Dr. Les Carter says, "Anger is closely tied to your sense of well-being as a person and closely tied to your feeling of worthiness. The less worthy you feel, the more likely you are to try to compensate for that by laying into someone, by blaming or accusing him or her, and that's where your inferiority feelings can show themselves as anger. We live in an angry society. From road rage to workplace incidents to marital bickering, out-of-control anger is all around us. How can we handle our anger and help those we love with theirs? How can we teach our children to deal with their anger? And what about those long-simmering feelings of anger toward people in our past? What's the difference between "bad" anger and "good"? Bestselling author and relationship expert Dr. Gary Chapman offers helpful, and sometimes surprising, insights on why we get angry, what we can do about it, and how we can use anger for good. Managing Negative Emotions (http://eqi.org/emotions.htm#Managing Negative Emotions ) General Guidelines Here are few general guidelines for managing negative emotions. . First, identify the feeling. Next, ask if is a healthy feeling. Then list your options and chose the one which is most likely to lead to your long-term happiness. After asking these first two questions, the next step is to ask what would help you feel better. Try to focus on answers which are in your control, since it would be easy, but not too helpful, to think of things ways others could change so you would feel better. Another question is to ask how you want to feel. This helps you direct your thoughts in a positive direction. To summarize, here are some helpful questions: How am I feeling? Is it a healthy feeling? How do I want to feel? What would help me feel better (that I can control)? Expressing Negative Feelings Here are a few suggestions for communicating your negative feelings: Dont' be dramatic. Don't wait till things build up. Be brief. Don't blame or lay guilt trips. Talk about how you feel. Ask how the other person feels. Offer a way to save face. (For example, "Perhaps I misunderstood you," or "I know your intentions were good.") Learning to identify, label and constructively express our emotions are the stepping stones to building positive social skills and self-esteem.It is a good idea to learn emotion management as a part of self improvement and empowerment. Emotion management refers to the ways in which people influence their own feelings and expressions and the ways in which they influence other people’s feelings. Feelings Word List http://www.drnadig.com/feelings_list.htm Positive Feelings Intense loved, adored, idolized, alive, wanted, lustful, worthy, pity, respected, empathy, awed, enthusiastic, zealous, courageous Strong enchanted, ardor, infatuated, tender, vibrant, independent, capable, happy , proud, gratified, worthy, sympathetic, important, concerned, appreciated, consoled, delighted, eager, optimistic, joyful, courage, hopeful, valiant, brave, brilliant Moderate liked, cared for, esteemed, affectionate, fond, excited, patient, strong, gay, inspired, anticipating, amused, yearning, popular, peaceful, appealing, determined, pleased, excited, jolly, relieved, glad, adventurous, peaceful, intelligent Mild friendly, regarded, benevolent, wide awake, at-ease, relaxed, comfortable, content, keen, amazed, alert, sure, attractive, approved, untroubled, graceful, turned on, warm, amused, daring, comfortable, smart, interested Negative Feelings Mild unpopular, listless, moody, lethargic, gloomy, dismal, discontented, tired, indifferent, unsure, impatient, dependent, unimportant, regretful, bashful, puzzled, self-conscious, edgy, upset, reluctant, timid, mixed-up, sullen, provoked Moderate suspicious, envious, enmity, aversion, dejected, unhappy, bored, forlorn, disappointed, wearied, inadequate, ineffectual, helpless, resigned, apathetic, shy, uncomfortable, baffled, confused, nervous, tempted, tense, worried, perplexed, troubled, disdainful, contemptuous, alarmed, annoyed, provoked Strong disgusted, resentful, bitter, detested, fed-up, frustrated, sad, depressed, sick, dissatisfied, fatigued, worn-out, useless, weak, hopeless, forlorn, rejected, guilty, embarrassed, inhibited, bewildered, frightened, anxious, dismayed, apprehensive, disturbed, antagonistic, vengeful, indignant, mad, torn Intense hate, unloved, abhor, despised, angry, hurt, miserable, pain, lonely, cynical, worthless, impotent, futile, accursed, abandoned, estranged, degraded, humiliated, shocked, panicky, trapped, horrified, afraid, scared, terrified, threatened, infuriated, furious, exhausted Love will always dissolve pain. Related Information links: Mood Disorders (US Dept of HHS) Mood Disorders Fact Sheet (National Mental Health Association) Positive Psychology Center (U of Penn.) 董氏基金會心理衛生組 (Blog) 心理小百科 (臺北市社區心理衛生中心) HOW TO HANDLE YOUR EMOTIONS (for Grades 5-9) Related Articles: Basic Guidelines for Interpersonal Communication Guidelines for Interpersonal Communication Nonverbal Communication Skills Unpleasant Situations Elicit Different Emotional Responses in Younger and Older Adults Emotions http://eqi.org/emotions.htm Books and Videos: Excuses Begone by Dr. Wayne Dyer Change Your Brain, Change Your Life by Daniel G. Amen, MD You can be HAPPY no matter what by Richard Carlson, Ph.D. Communicating at work by Ronald B. Adler & Jeanne Marquardt Elmhorst POSITIVE QUOTE OF THE DAY ----------------------------- Nothing is ever lost by courtesy. It is the cheapest of pleasures, costs nothing, and conveys much. -- Erastus Wiman 心靈環保法語精選 http://www.shengyen.org/content/about/about_02_1a.aspx 聖嚴法師 作為一個人，都應該具備三個層面的修養，那就是身體的、心理的、精神的，通常稱之為身、心、靈的健康。可惜的是，一般人僅能注意到自己的身體是否健康無病，往往疏忽了心理是否平衡自在，連帶著也忘記了精神層面的修養。 因此，若處於平順的境遇中時，當然能夠揮灑自如，不會覺得有什麼不能克服的難題，如果遇到連番的逆境現前之際，就難免要唉聲嘆氣了。心靈環保的功能，便在於使我們養成一種得勝不驕傲、失意不喪志的習慣。 可是對於一般人而言，勝而不驕者已難，敗而不餒者更難。有了心靈環保的工夫，便是有了精神修養的基礎，因為世界上並沒有絕對和永遠的勝利者與失敗者，只要因緣改變，狀況立即改觀。 一時的成功並不等於永遠有保障，一時的失敗也不等於永遠的絕望。因此，如果大家都知道「以平等心看待」，便屬於心靈環保的層面。 佛教主張有因果觀念，通常的說法是「種瓜得瓜，種豆得豆」。實際上光是如此說，是有問題的，因為不種瓜當然不得瓜，不種豆當然不得豆。可是，如果種瓜種豆而不得其法、不得其時，又不得其適宜的土壤、水分、陽光、肥料等，那麼，種瓜種豆就不一定得瓜得豆了。 所以在佛法之中，除了因果定律，必須配上因緣定律。也就是說，凡事凡物一切現象的形成，從因到果的過程之中，尚有待以各種自然及人為因素的促成；其中主要的條件，稱為「因」，配合的條件，稱為「緣」。從最初的因，到最後的果，只是有其可能性，並沒有一定的必然性。以此可見，因果觀必須配合因緣論，才是正確的現象論。 正因為從因到果，並沒有一定的必然性，個人的因素固然極重要，外在的因素能否如個人所期待的那樣配合，也極重要；個人的自主因素，有時候也可能出現意外，外在因素的不確定性，則更難以掌控了。 因此，我們對於自己的命運，只能希望最好，卻無法保證最好；只能朝向最好去努力，卻也不得不做最壞的預防。否則，過分的樂觀，過分的悲觀，都是和因緣論的原則背道而馳，都不是成熟健康的心態。 http://www.shengyen.org/content/about/about_02_1a.aspx 聖嚴法師 如何取得內心的安定呢？我們應該從「心靈環保」的角度出發，一方面保護我們的心不受環境污染，增強對環境的「免疫力」；一方面內心不要有嫉妒、忿怒、猜忌、自私等種種不好的心念，以免使得環境變得更糟糕；練習著時時覺察自己的起心動念，清楚知道自己的「需要」，化解個人欲望的「想要」。 ——《法鼓山的方向》 心靈環保必須雙管齊下：1.淨化人心，少欲知足；2.淨化社會，關懷他人。少欲知足，便會珍惜天然資源，養成惜福的習慣，等於推動環保。關懷他人，便不會因為一己之利而造成整體環境的破壞。 ——《聖嚴法師心靈環保》 我們如果能時時刻刻注意心裡的平靜，遇到任何不如意的時候，能夠回心轉意，設身處地為他人想一下，他人的錯誤可能是很有道理的，即使是沒有道理的道理，也是一個道理。如何解決問題，而不是在彼此之間增加更多的問題、更多的困擾，這就是心靈環保。 ——《法鼓山的方向》 依據心靈環保的原則，每一個人，都應該具備三個層面的修養，那就是保持身體、心理、精神的平衡與平常，通稱為身、心、靈的健康。然而一般人僅在意自己的身體是否健康，卻忽略了心理是否健康，尤其會疏忽了保持平常心的精神修養。因此，在順境中能揮灑自如，似乎沒有不能克服的難題，一旦遇到逆境當前，便唉聲嘆氣，不知如何自處了。這必須要透過「心靈環保」的修為，才能做到「以平常心」來看待一切順境及逆境了。 ——《人間世》 實踐心靈環保的方法有三種： 一、佛教的禪修念佛，能夠讓人心自然安定。 二、時時生起慚愧心，反省與悔過，就像儒家所說「吾日三省吾身」。其實一天反省三次還是不夠的，應該要時時刻刻知道自己的心在做什麼。 三、經常以感恩心，面對生活環境中的每一個人及每一件事，全心奉獻服務，目的是為了報恩。 用這三種方法落實心靈環保，就可以隨時隨地安定自己的身心，成長自己的人格，也能為社會大眾，帶來安定的力量。 ——《平安的人間》 心靈環保其實很簡單，就是心理衛生、心理健康，如何使我們自己清靜、安定，進而影響、協助他人生活愉快，這就是心靈環保的目的。 ——《法鼓山的方向》

May you always make the right moves.